How to Raise Confident Kids

Each parent has their own theories and preferences how to raise their children. What works for some families may not work for others, and even within one family, what works well for some children may not work well for their siblings. I think of the past prideful and judgmental thoughts I had when witnessing children’s misbehavior before I became a seasoned parent: “my child will never act like that!” I was soon humbled (time and again) as our family grew and the diversity of misbehaviors ensued. I am not a parenting expert; however I have 5 children, am a former teacher, and had the benefit of being raised by a mom who did a splendid job of expecting self-sufficiency while modeling the importance of acts of service and kindness to show love for family. How to raise confident kids has been a journey worth pursuing!

How Our Childhood Influences Our Parenting Style

Some of us grew up in well-balanced, loving homes where we were taught all the necessary skills and proper mindset to take on new challenges and life’s joys and hardships. Others grew up in homes where our parents may have done (too many/all) things for us. Alternately, some of us had to learn many things the hard way without much direction. In recent years, we see statistics stating that young adults do not feel confident leaving their childhood homes or facing adversity.

Research shows a large part of our self-esteem and sense of capability (or lack thereof) can stem from the skills we did or didn’t learn in childhood, specifically within our family unit. The good news is, regardless of how we were raised as children, as parents, we can choose to help our children become confident and have a good chance of success in life by empowering them with skills they can easily learn at home.

Parental Influence On Raising Confident and Capable Children

Sometimes, even with good intentions, we can parent in ways that can inhibit a child’s ability to be confident and capable. One misguided approach is to do too many things for our children that they are otherwise perfectly capable of doing on their own. While likely well-intentioned, consider how this parenting approach generally lowers a child’s self-esteem while feeding an adult’s self-esteem…a thought worth pondering.

Another parenting method might be a “tough love” approach where a child is made to learn things the “hard way”, without the benefit of an adult modeling, explaining, and helping a child through new concepts and challenges. While also likely well-intentioned, consider how this parenting strategy can leave a child feeling inept and incapable of making informed decisions for lack of proper knowledge and training.

How to Train and Teach Self-Sufficient Children

Envision yourself on your first day at a new job. The job is completely unfamiliar, as you have never experienced similar tasks, employees, expectations, or situations. A good trainer will demonstrate and explain how to do something, generally by physically demonstrating how a task ought to be completed. Then the trainer and trainee will do the task together. After, the trainee will do the job him/herself, while the trainer watches for competency and understanding. The trainer can answer questions and make corrections, if needed, while observing. Finally, the trainee is confident and empowered how to complete the task at hand, having been given proper instruction, time to learn and practice, and ask questions. The trainer can now release newly learned responsibilities to the trainee, while periodically checking in for accountability and proficiency.

This is the exact strategy we can use for raising confident, self-sufficient children. We physically model to our children how to properly clean a bathroom, solve a math equation, call to schedule a dentist appointment, or engage in a respectful disagreement with a family member. Each new concept and situation is their “first day on the job”. We then work through these new concepts and challenges together, after physically modeling how to do the task properly, checking for understanding. Next we allow the child autonomy to try the task independently while we observe. We answer questions and make recommendations and corrections for improvements. Finally, when we are confident the child has mastered the foundational knowledge, we empower them to to these tasks independently going forward. (Of course, we do regularly check-in for accountability and making sure things are done the right way).

Home Management Systems to Support Autonomy

I think of past examples when I did not empower our children to successfully complete a task on their own. I simply didn’t understand the importance, nor did I have the home systems in place to make this easier. Take the “mom can I have a glass of water?” example at the dinner table. It’s often easier to just do a task ourselves than to hear complaints or clean up messes that inevitably will happen. (I am guilty of the “it is faster to do myself!” vice).

However, we ought to have children get their own glasses of water. This might require time for us as parents to set up better home systems. In this example, place cups and a water dispenser where children can reach without assistance.

Practical Ideas For Home Management To Empower Children

Other examples of home systems that empower our children, from toddlers to teens are:

• Placing safe cleaning supplies where small children can easily reach. Examples: a broom and dustpan, towels, spray bottles, etc.
• Showing family members where the “home” for each household item is and guiding them to help tidy a home
• Allowing older children to set their own alarm clocks for waking, getting ready, and leaving the home on time
• Making a weekly meal plan and having ingredients on hand so children can share in making family meals independently
• Rotating chores amongst family members, so children have time and practice to master a variety of tasks, such as: cleaning a bathroom, mowing the lawn, cooking meals, washing dishes, caring for younger or aging family members, sweeping and mopping a floor, paying bills, making a grocery list, etc.

Success in Non-Academic Pursuits

Competency covers several areas of life. Our culture has a huge emphasis on academic and extra-curricular competence (such as skills in a sport or specific interest). A few years ago, my husband and I created a list of skills and knowledge we want our children to learn before they leave our home. Most of these skills are not academic.

If we are not careful, weeks turn into months and months into years, and before we know it, we can have teenagers or adult children who don’t know how to make themselves a healthy meal from scratch, schedule appointments, handle conflict in their workplace or relationships, stay out of debt and accumulate wealth, or clean a toilet. If you would like to see our current, full list of skills we hope to teach our children, click here.

How to Raise Confident Kids

The first step in raising confident children is to stop doing things for our children they are capable of doing for themselves. Of course, we should always do acts of service out of love. Avoid the temptation to overindulge out of a misconception that this is loving or convenience.

The second step in raising confident children is to model how to do a task or master a new concept. Give children plenty of time and opportunities for the child to practice him/herself. Imagine again being at your first day at a new job. You are not provided complete directions or expectations of how to be successful. We would spend much time feeling confused, inept, and unable to make informed or important decisions. Similarly, a “tough love”, hands-off approach, or apathy/neglect in parenting will impede a child’s capability and success.

The third step is to consider all areas we want our children to be successful as adults in. We first need to define the skills and ways of thinking we hope our children acquire. Then set a methodical plan to teach success for each of these.

I hope you find these tips for raising confident kids helpful. I would love to hear your family’s strategies below!

Resources

Posts

5 Home Systems That Simplify and Reduce Overwhelm
GAPS Diet Meal Plan

Favorite0